Showing posts with label ENGLISH JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ENGLISH JOKES. Show all posts

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Issa Joke Meme, Issa Joke 21 Savage

What Is Issa Joke, Where Did Issa Joke Come From


A Dad joking with his Daughter about a having a boyfriend is representative of seeing women as property
















21 Savage Issa Joke Memes

















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Knock Knock Jokes For Kids, Joke of The Day

knock knock Tagalog 2017, New knock knock Jokes


Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Avenue.

Avenue who?

Avenue knocked on this door before?




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Alpaca.

Alpaca who?

Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!



Cute knock knock Jokes For Boyfriend




Knock knock.

Who�s there?

To.

To who?

No, to whom.




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Heidi.

Heidi who?

Heidi �cided to come over to play!




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Howl.

Howl who?

Howl you know it�s really me unless you open the door?




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Donald Trump, Trump Inauguration Joke

Donald Trump one Liners, Joke of The Year


Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.?Madeline Begun Kane aka Mad Kane




There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.?Bill Maher




Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."?Eric Schneiderman




Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.?Seth Meyers



Funny Donald Trump Memes, Nicknames for Donald Trump




This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying asshole!?Lewis Black




In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about Himself.?Jay Leno




Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.?Jimmy Kimmel




Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!?David Letterman




Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.?Bill Maher




Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.?Craig Ferguson




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Saturday, January 21, 2017

Funny Llama Joke - Animal Jokes

Llama Jokes and Puns - I Need A Llama Joke


What�s more amazing than a talking llama?
Answer: A spelling bee.




Why did the llama cross the road?
Answer: Because the chicken was one vacation.




Why do camels, cousins of the llama, have such long, long necks?
Answer: Because their feet really stink.




How does a llama communicate with a fish?
Answer: He hums him a line.



Llama Joke Facebook, The Llama Joke - Animal Jokes




What�s easy for boy llamas to get into and hard to get out of?
Answer: Trouble.




Knock, knock.

Who�s there?

Pasture.

Pasture who?

Isn�t it pasture bedtime?




What do guard llamas tell their sheep around the campfire at night?
Answer: They tell each other scary goat stories.




Can you say four times really, really fast: Lamebrain lopsided laughing lazy large boy
llamas like to lingerly lunch on lawns.




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Friday, January 20, 2017

Ford Kuga Jokes 2017 What jokes makes kuga owners laugh

Ford Kugas Catch Fire in South Africa - I just Heared a Good Joke


A chicken and an egg lying in bed together. The chicken turns over onto his back and with a huge smile on his face he casually lights up a cigarette (exhales) the egg is frowning and looking well p*****d  o** and mutters to nobody in particular, "Well I suppose we all know the answer to that question now . . . . Don't We? "




I see where you're "coming" from but are you feeling bored bob ?
.
.
.
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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter but the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
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Ford Kuga Fire Ford Kuga Meme




bob, yes Tain is nearer to Lanarkshire than your goodself but it is still 215 miles north of me. By my calculations, I could drive to most, if not all of the North West, quicker than going to Tain. I have to admit, that I have travelled south on many more occasions, than north. Funnily enough, I was talking to my wife, on Friday, about this very subject. Come the summer, it is my intention to head up north and visit the areas. I have never been any further up the North East coast than Aberdeen. On the North West coast, the furthest I have been is Scourie, accessed by single lane roads and "passing places".




There's this man with no arms and no legs lying on a beach when this beautiful woman walks up to him and says 'Have you ever been cuddled?' and he says 'No' so she picks him up and hugs him.

A little while later an other lovely lady comes along and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' and he replies 'No' so she picks him up and gives him a really good snogging.

Finally, the most georgeous woman ever walks along the beach and looks at him and says, 'Have you ever been sc*****??'  'No, I haven't' He smiles.

'Well, you will be when the tide comes in!!!!!'


Sorry!




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Knock Knock Jokes for Kids - Good Knock Knock Jokes

Cute Knock Knock Jokes for Boyfriend - Funny Knock Knock Jokes


Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Claire.

Claire who?

Claire the way; I�m coming in!




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Cash.

Cash who?

I didn�t realize you were some kind of nut!



Classic Knock Knock Jokes 2017 Knock-Knock Jokes




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Canoe.

Canoe who?

Canoe open the door?




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Boo hoo.

Boo hoo who?

Aww, don�t cry�it�s just a joke.




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Ben.

Ben who?

Ben knocking for 20 minutes!




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Thursday, January 19, 2017

Blonde Jokes, Funny Blonde Jokes, Comedy Central Short Funny Jokes

Best Blonde Jokes Ever - Blonde Joke of The Day


Q:   Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A:   Cause she blows the horn!




Q:   Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A:   She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.




Q:   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A:   Data transfer.



Dumb Blonde Jokes That Will Actually Make You LOL




Q:   Why do blondes have more fun?
A:   Because they don't know any better.




Q:   How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1:  "What's a lightbulb?"
A2:  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3:  Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"




Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A:   "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"




Q:   What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A:   A wine cellar.




Q:   What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1:  They both have a black box.
A2:  Both have a cockpit.




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Family Jokes, Indian Family Jokes, Short Family Jokes In English

Funny Family Status, Family Funny Pictures, The Best Clean Family Jokes


Know Your Audience

�I�d like to discuss something with you,� my husband told our ?nine-year-old son. He was about ?to launch into The Talk.

�What is it?� asked Michael.

�We�re going to talk about girls.�

�What about girls?�

�Well, we�re going to talk about how girls get pregnant.�

�But, Dad,� said Michael, �I�m a boy!�




Children For Sale

After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I�d had enough.

�I think I�m going to sell them,� ?I hissed to my sister.

�You�re crazy,� she said.

�For thinking of selling them?�

�For thinking someone would buy them.�



Great Jokes About Family Funny Family Cartoons




Two babies are sitting in their cribs

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, �Are you a little girl or a little boy?�

The other baby shrugs. �I don�t know how to tell the difference.�

�I do,� says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few ?seconds, he resurfaces.

�You�re a little girl, and I�m a little boy,� he says.

�How can you tell?�

�Easy. You�ve got pink booties, and I�ve got blue ones.�




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Tommy Cooper - His Funniest Jokes - Tommy Cooper Puns

Tommy Cooper Jokes In English - Tommy Cooper Just Like That


The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.




I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.




Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.




Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.



Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes - Special Tommy Cooper Jokes




Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.




I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.




I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.




Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.




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Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Latest Funny Blonde Jokes and Riddles in English

Clean Blonde Riddles - Best Blonde Riddles With Answer For Kids


What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A:   Open the car door.




Q:   How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A:   Open the car door.




Q:   Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A:   More head room.




Q:   Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A:   More leg room.



Blonde Jokes and Riddles in English - Blonde Joke of The Day




Q:   What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A:   A blonde going through a flashing red light.




Q:   What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A:   It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.




Q:   Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A:   To turn the blinker off.




Q:   What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A:   An air bag.




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Latest Best Yo Momma So Fat Jokes

Best Yo Mamma So Fat Jokes - Yo Momma Jokes and Insults


Yo mama is so fat that you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through!




Yo mama is so fat that that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean...




Yo mama is so fat that when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.




Yo mama is so fat that when she talks to herself, it�s a long distance call.



Best Yo Mamma So Fat Jokes - Yo Momma Jokes




Yo mama is so fat that the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale.




Yo mama is so fat that light bends around her.




Yo mama is so fat that I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing!




Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on Wal-Mart, she lowered the prices.




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Monday, January 16, 2017

21 Funny Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids

knock knock Humor - Tagalog knock knock Pick Up Lines


Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Harry.

Harry who?

Harry up and let me in!




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

H.

H who?

Bless you!



Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Goat.

Goat who?

Goat to the door to see who�s knocking!




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Dozen.

Dozen who?

Dozen anyone want to let me in?




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes a nice place you got here.




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School Jokes for Kids - Teacher Student Jokes

Best School Jokes Ever - 300 School jokes


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"



Top 20 Teacher Jokes




Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job.

Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent.

After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny.

"A horny bastard!"




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9 Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes

Tommy Cooper Jokes. Free, clean, funny one liner 'Cooperisms'


Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.




I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.




I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.




Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.



Tommy Cooper One Liners Jokes




Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off.




A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'




A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.




A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.




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Sunday, January 15, 2017

9 The Best Harry Potter Yo Mama Jokes

Best Harry Potter 'Yo Mama' Jokes - harry potter one liners


yo mama so old she gave Nicholas Flamel his first kiss.




yo mama so ugly that the Dementor's Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime.




yo mama so stupid, she drowned in a pensieve yo mama so dumb she thought that she could talk to snakes if she put parsley on her tongue




yo mama so nasty, every pair of her panties has the Dark Mark on them.



Yo Mama Jokes Harry Potter




yo mama so fat that if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill.




yo mama so ugly that even Voldemort won't say her name.




yo mama so poor she can't even afford a Gringotts account.




yo mama so fat that the sorting hat couldn't decide where to put her - she couldn't fit in any of the houses!! 




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Funny Kid Animal Jokes - Funny Animal Puns

Really Funny Animal Jokes - Funny Animal Jokes for Kids


Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!




When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you�re a mouse!




What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence!




What does a kitten become after it's three days old?
Four days old!



Funny Kid Animal Jokes




What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie talkie!




What kind of animal goes OOM?
A cow walking backwards!




What animal has more lives than the cat?
A frog, he croaks every night.




What is a crocodiles favourite game
Snap




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Friday, January 13, 2017

Whatsapp Family Jokes In English

The Best FAmily Funny Jokes In English


Grandma, How You�ve Changed!

During my mother�s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
�Is that really Great-grandma in there?� she asked her mother.
�Yes, it is.�
�Funny,� she said. �I always thought she was taller.�




The Wisdom of a Defeated Husband

My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each ?job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint ?on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, �Frustration is when my cope runneth over.�



Family Jokes In English




The Magic Penny

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy�s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband�s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, �Do it again!�


 
I�d Like To Have A Kid�

I�d like to have a kid, but I�m not sure I�m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.




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Top 5 Best Knock-Knock Jokes

knock knock who's there movie - knock knock humor


Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Luke.

Luke who?

Luke through the keyhole to see!




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in already!



Knock Knock Jokes




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Ketchup.

Ketchup who?

Ketchup with me and I�ll tell you!




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Justin.

Justin who?

Justin the neighborhood and thought I�d come over.




Knock! Knock!

Who�s there?

Isabelle.

Isabelle who?

Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?




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Thursday, January 12, 2017

Miscellaneous Jokes

Miscellaneous Jokes - Latest Dubble Funny Miscellaneous Jokes


A young man calls directory assistance. "Hello, operator? I'd like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replies. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitates, and then says, "Well, some people call me 'Ice Man'."




A first grade teacher is reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. When she gets to the part where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer, and says, "...so Chicken Little went to the farmer and cried, 'The sky is falling! The sky is falling!' Now, class, what do you think that farmer said?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "Ooh, teacher, I think he said, 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"



Miscellaneous Jokes




Bob is a city slicker who decides to vacation at a dude ranch in Texas. On the first day, the owner is showing him around the ranch.
"This," he says, showing Bob a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," Bob, replies, examining the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"




The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out riding one day when they find themselves surrounded by a horde of Apaches, hopelessly outgunned and unable to escape.
The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto, what are we going to do?"
As Tonto starts trotting toward the Apache, he replies, "What do you mean 'we,' paleface?"




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